What does the term Adult Child of an Alcoholic mean? The short answer is that children growing up in alcoholic or other addictive households develop certain similar characteristics which manifest themselves in dysfunctional behavior in adulthood. Perhaps the most concise description of a very complicated subject is “The Problem” which is read at every ACA meeting. I will publish it now and when I figure out how I’ll post it as a link on the side so you that it will always be available.

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The Problem

Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic or other dysfunctional households.
We had come to feel isolated, and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat.

We either became alcoholics ourselves, married them, or both. Failing that, we found other compulsive personalities, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.

We lived live from the standpoint of victims. Having an over developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we trusted ourselves, giving in to others. We became reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative.

We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. We keep choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents.

These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunction made us 'co-victims', those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and keep them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we often confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue.

Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable solutions.

This is a description, not an indictment.

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If you relate to the problem, don’t despair, there is also a Solution. I’ll post it tomorrow. If your parent(s) were alcoholic or otherwise addicted and you don’t relate, give it some time. Denial is a strong mechanism. We read the Problem, Solution and the 12 Steps at each and every meeting for a reason. They need to be constantly absorbed and re-absorbed to have meaning. We also say “Keep coming back. It works.” I invite you to keep coming back there is much yet left to learn.

Every 12 Step meeting, all of which are derivative of AA (Alcoholic’s Anonymous), has three phases. The read stuff, they share personal experiences, and there is some sort of group close. The reading section is introduction and teaching which is what I’ve been doing and will continue to do. As a member though it’s important for me to share. Sharing is where healing takes place. To separate the two I’ve decided to share in a different color type. From now on, when we are in black it’s about addiction and recovery in general. When we are in Rose it’s about me and my experience as and ACOA.

I taught addiction recovery in treatment programs for 13 years and honestly it is easier and tempting to just lecture you all about how to do it. As if I have “the” answer. I do not. I have a lot of knowledge that may point the way toward “your” answer. So I’ll try to take the risk and share some with each post. Since we are still in the introduction phase, the teaching may be more than the sharing for awhile. If a recovering community develops then hopefully the reverse will happen.

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Hello-my name is Ray and I’m a recovering ACOA. (If you’ve been to meetings you know that everyone responds, Hi-Ray. If you’ve been to lots of meetings you said it in your head didn’t you. Hahaha)

I’m 58 years old. My father was an alcoholic before I was born, although I didn’t know that until I was grown because even to the last day of her life my mother never acknowledged the obvious facts. We never spoke the truth. My grandfather was an alcoholic who became depressed and committed suicide. My sister is and alcoholic and I grew up and married one. Alcoholism often a multi-generational disease. It’s probably part genetics and part behavioral training. I drank when I was younger but either wasn’t predisposed toward alcoholism or I never drank enough to activate the addiction. I’ll never know. I stopped drinking in 1987. I’ve been sober 30 years thanks to the program.

Rather than drink, I sided with my mother’s piece of the equation and became an enabling rescuer. I married an actively alcoholic woman and set out to “fix” her because that was what I thought you were supposed to do. In the meantime “fixing” her actually meant propping her up for 13 years so that rather than hitting a bottom and getting real help her addiction only got worse.

In 1985 my wife’s mother passed away and she went completely off the deep end which turned out to be the best thing that could have happened. I left for a year during which I learned about ACOA and began putting the pieces together about how I had ended up in such a messed up life despite my best intentions to the contrary. In 1986 we tried a brief reconciliation then divorced and I’ve never looked back.

Has it always been absolutely wonderful. No. Is it better than it was. Yes. That’s enough for now. I’ll share more later. Thanks. (And you say….”Thanks Ray.” See it’s this little formula that involves, opening and closing and respect.)