Hi-My name is Ray and I'm a recovering Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Needed to share tonight so this will all be in rose color. I've discovered that there is very little action on other ACOA sites which is discouraging. The characteristics of Adult Children didn't go away just because the fad of the late 80's and 90's died down.

I was thinking about a couple of things today that have been interfering with my life lately. One is being a night owl and the other is not answering the phone and tending to hide from people even though I have no reason to.

One of the fundamentals of mental health is that a person needs to feel that they have a fair degree of control over their lives. Makes sense. One of the first principles of torturing someone is to take complete control of their lives. A child growing up in a chaotic environment internalizes that, since anything can happen at any time and you never know when something catastrophic will happen, they have very little control over their own lives. As a result they develop what is called free floating anxiety.

They often grow up to be very controlling people in one way or another. Many attempt to control other people in a variety of ways and can become very abusive. Another more subtle way is to just maintain tight control over their own environment. In any case, even though the controlling may be directed outward the internal need is to maintain control for ones self.

In part, for me it means avoiding other people whenever possible. I'm not a recluse in the normal sense. I just don't make close relationships with others very well. And yes it becomes very lonely which is the price I pay. I became a night owl many years ago which was a two pronged coping strategy. One, it was quite and safe late at night when I was growing up. I had much more control. I could read or listen to music quietly and didn't have to worry about getting yelled at or otherwise getting in some random trouble. It was easy to get in trouble in my home. Often you didn't even know why. "Because I said so," were the watch words and may still be the most hated phrase I know.

The second part of the night owl stratagy is that it limits the contact you have to put up with in dealing with the rest of the world. That is both a plus and a big minus. It's hard to exist in a world that is mostly geared toward daytime interaction including work.

The other problem is that I'm usually pretty much out to touch. I keep my phone turned off and screen calls. I prefer to call you back on my time table rather than yours. That way I can decide on how I want to respond to your message and not have any surprises sprung on me. Life while growing up featured a random set of surprises, many of them quite unpleasent.

The other dread factor was that the phone ringing often meant trouble. My father could be in jail or have gotten a DUI or in a car wreck or any number of things. We lived in a constant state of fear when he was out drinking. One, we feared something bad would happen to him and at the same time we feared he would come home and start a fight. Having the phone ring still creates a sudden spike of irrational dread. So my solution, as I said, is to not hear it ring. This of course is more and more of a problem in our communication age where the rest of the world is glued to a cell phone seemingly 24 hours a day.

Maybe I'm typing into the great Internet Void but if you are out there thanks for listening. Sometimes sharing just means talking about the problem. Sharing helps.

If you stop by please post a comment just to let me know you were here if nothing else. Thanks and as always, "Keep coming back it works."

Ray